The AIR client is the mother of a 33 year-old son whose son’s cocaine addiction was tearing the family apart.
Can you tell us what was going on with your son prior to coming to AIR?
“My guess is that my son started smoking marijuana when he was around 14 or 15, and adding the occasional mood enhancers—Ecstasy, pills, alcohol etc—at parties pretty soon after that. In the next fifteen years I’m not sure how frequently, or what combination of drugs he used or how it escalated, because he wasn’t around. He alternated between periods of being very successful and then completely down and out. At 30, he moved to Costa Rica, and after about a year admitted to regular cocaine use.”
“Our family was seriously compromised for about a year before I found AIR. My son had stopped communicating with his father, who was overseas, and one of his brothers a few years before, both because they refused to give him money. His remaining brother and I didn’t give him money, but tried to deal with his increasingly bizarre behavior by pretending everything was normal. He became the elephant in the room that dictated our lives that we never talked about.
He had been hitting my mother up for money at regular intervals since he was 15 during his down times. When I contacted AIR, it had escalated to 3 or 4 times a week. I asked her repeatedly to stop but she wouldn’t, or couldn’t. My relationship with her was strained as a result, as was my relationship with my partner. I was having trouble working and sleeping. Every time the phone rang, I suspected the worst. When it didn’t ring, I suspected the worst too. My son’s addiction was holding the whole family hostage.”
Can you tell us how the CRAFT workshop helped you?
“For starters, that it’s true that you catch more bees with honey. I learned to look hard for the positive, and praise it, and conversely, to turn off and not react to his behavior when it spun out of control. I learned that it wasn’t my fault that he was an addict, but that there was a genetic link that made him predisposed to it. I learned—and accepted, which was a lot harder -- that he was the only one who had to make the changes, but that there were ways that I could help.
Knowing there were concrete steps that I could take that could help minimize his harmful behavior and steer him towards treatment--even if ever so slowly-- made me feel less helpless, and not as overwhelmed by the chaos. I learned what I could do to disengage and that I should take time to out do things that gave me strength—even if for a short time—so that I was better able to cope with the uncertainty and erratic behavior that infused daily life.
I shared some of the CRAFT insights with my mother and used the CRAFT approach when speaking with her. She agreed to stop sending money and accepting collect calls from her grandson.
Before the workshop, our phone conversations consisted of him ranting, demanding money, and lies and attempts to manipulate me or his grandmother.
My mother’s response was to send money. My response was to alternately refuse to talk to him, plead with him to stop, or try to reason with him, none of which, of course, did any good. It was a mess. Through CRAFT, I practiced phone conversations in advance so that they conveyed love and a concrete plan. No matter when he called, I repeated the same thing: I love you. Here’s what you can do. I limited calls to every few days, and refused the others.”
How would you compare the level of your son’s substance use before and after the CRAFT workshop?
“I think our family was very lucky, because by the time I started working on the program, my son had pretty much come to the end of his rope. His former girlfriend, who was now prostituting in exchange for cocaine, was found murdered in a deserted lot. He was scared, hungry and broke.
Once my mother refused to talk to him and the money dried up, his only options were to enter treatment or be homeless. The key was that when he finally reached that point, I was ready. Here’s the name of the treatment center, here’s the name of the person whom you can contact, they know your situation, payments are taken care of, all you have to do is show up. I love you, but this is the only option.
CRAFT taught me to make entering treatment as painless as possible. The referral had been worked out. All the practical details were taken care of. I presented it to him on a silver platter, as dispassionately as I could. I love you, end of conversation.
Without CRAFT, I would not have known to have everything worked out, nor would I have known how to structure my conversations with him so they were short and to the point. Without support from AIR, I would not have had the strength.
He entered the treatment center in San Jose, Costa Rica, in December of 2006. He ran away around the New Year, and went on a cocaine binge. He returned three days later, “scared shitless” as he put it. He thought he could control his use, but realized how powerless against it he was.
At the end of February of 2007, he flew to a halfway house in Ottawa. He was in their junior facility for two months, and in their senior house for another six. Since October of 2007, he has been living on his own, and supporting himself. Of the twenty people who entered Safe Haven when he did, only he and another man are still clean.
I visited him for the first time in August 2007. We talk on the phone every few days, and are tentatively rediscovering our relationship. I use CRAFT methods regularly, especially trying to praise his efforts. We are closer than we have been in years. He is in regular contact with my mother and his youngest brother. He remains estranged from the other brother and his father. He does not attend NA [Narcotics Anonymous] meetings consistently, which is a source of concern.”
How effective was the treatment plan that AIR researched for you?
“My son’s situation was tricky because he was out of the country, and for a time, without a passport. We had to first get him into treatment in Costa Rica, and then organize a passport and get him out of Costa Rica into treatment in Canada(his country of origin). I did a lot of research on my own, and the AIR office and I turned up many of the same places, one of which turned out to be the halfway house where he ended up going. The biggest help for me in the process was AIR’s ability to sift through the various options available, and their knowledge of how self-run “safe” or “half-way” houses function, and the advice about pre-planning everything.”
How would you rate AIR’s CRAFT workshop?
“For me, it was really helpful to hear other families’ situations and know that I was not alone. The meetings became a high point in my week. I was able to share what was going on with my son and our family, receive feedback on how I had handled a particular situation and whether it was effective, get advice and prepare for upcoming conversations. The families who attended the workshop bonded. We cared about each other and were sorry when our time as a group ended.”